Book Review: Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, Mcmillan & Switzler

This book has the subtitle "Tools for talking when the stakes are high" and I found there was not a single page that disappointed me. Part way reading through the book I thought this is all common sense, and of course a lot of it is. However, the authors are showing and telling in an extremely compelling manner that you just can't help going "aha", oh-yes", "of course" every few minutes. My copy is full of notes, highlighter marks and pages turned over.

So what's the meat in the book?

At its heart is a dialogue model which is about me and the other and how we each act, feel, tell a story and see/hear. In our dialgue we are aiming to create a pool of shared meaning and there are a number of factors that impact this, such as safety, and silence (withdrawing, avoiding, masking) and violence (controlling, attacking, labelling). All this sounds cold in this description, what brings this book alive is the way the authors develop the model with the use of various tools and stories. It's impossible to read it anot feel connected yet at the same time feel empowered to do something about your next high stakes conversation.


You can download book chapters and sample MP3 audio from http://www.vitalsmarts.com/books_more.aspx . There is also the stress test to discover your style under stress.

Book Review: NO! How one simple word can transform your life, by Jana Kemp

This makes a change from all the "Yes, you can" books! It's basically about getting over the fear of saying now and taking control of any circumstance without negative consequences. A critical aspect as you might imagine is tone of voice and the author words hard to ensure we understand that it's critical we get this right - not too fast, too harsh and to make sure we choos the right words when we do mean it. It is also key to stick to your decision when you've make it.

Kemp has a model called the POWER of No which has an acronym from POWER: Purpose, options, when, emotional ties and rights/responsibilities. She suggests that using this acronym will help us to make a yes / no decision based on the right issues at the time. For me I find it a lot to think about when considering a yes/ no response online, though I suppose you get better at it with practice.

In essence the decision prcess goes like this
- think about the purpose and context of the decision
- what option do you have? What resources are available?
- when is it due? What is the deadline and can you meet it?
- be realistic about the emotional ties
- consider your rights and responsibilities

I'll be trying out some "No's"....

Guide to facial expressions and emotions

I think http://www.cedarseed.com/fire/emotut.jpg should be in every meeting room - if only as a reminder for us all that we say more with our expressions than with what comes out of our mouths...

Difficult Conversations 5: The Art of Listening

Conversation requires a talking AND listening, and these actions need to be shared by everyone involved. Some people may need help expressing themselves and other may need help in listening to others.  Usually, it is the listening that is more difficult.

The Art Of Listening

View more webinars from Phil Wylie

Difficult Conversations 4: Fierce Conversations - practical tips

The practical advice in this slideshow is very helpful. I particularly like the "Sixty second" technique for starting off the conversation.

Fierce Conversations

View more presentations from Evan Wood

Difficult Conversations 3: Tips from the psychology viewpoint

There's no one way to approach a difficult conversation. The short slideshow below covers some useful hints and tips - if the psychological viewpoint is interesting and useful to you.

Making Difficult Conversations Less Difficult

View more presentations from John Deely

Difficult Conversations 2: Remembering Body Language

There's research (though controversial) that suggests more than half of our communication with an other comes through body language. We instinctively know this, however, when dealing with difficult situations and conversations we can easily forget this.

Body language is just that - a language. Complete with a syntax and grammar. It is not enough to think that someone who crosses their arms is being defensive. We need to understand the whole "paragraph" they are speaking with their body. They may in fact be cold or they may just be leaning back and relaxing. We need to look at the whole body and its cue.

Secrets of Body Language

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Difficult Conversations 1: The DED Technique

Dealing with the difficult situation is difficult - usually because emotions are running high and emtoional responses tend to send all good planning straight out the window. One technique I've found useful is simple enough to remember when the flak hits the fan and tends to work well - the DED technique.

D = Describe 

E = Example

D - Discussion

Describe the behaviour you're finding difficult, how it makes you feel and explain the wider impacts of the behaviour. Without any description the other person probably has no idea why you are upset.

Then provide an example of what it is you've just described. Without an example the other person may think you're making it up and may not be able to ground the descriptions in reality.

Discussion - or I prefer the term dialogue as that presumes it is a two-way thing - is the obvious important and final step. If the first D and the E have gone well then the discussion should be fairly straightforward - though posisbly still emotive.

Do you have a favourite technique you'd like to share?